News Flash……..New Equipment Being Developed!
For years I have been asking camera manufacturers the same question, “What’s new?” and getting the same answer, “Can’t say.” Well, that is no longer good enough! Through extensive research I have discovered what the next big things are going to be. Some of these are pretty exciting so get your orders in early.
When I lived out west I was constantly plagued by blank blue skies. What I would’ve given for some beautiful white puffy clouds. Wait no more! Introducing Bucket o’Clouds, the cumulus cloud container. With Bucket o’Clouds just pop the top and let out however many clouds you wish in your composition. The longer the lid stays open the bigger the clouds. Refills available at authorized shady dealers.
If you would like more precision in placing your clouds try the Ansel Adams Cloud Gun. Attached by a tube to the Bucket o’Clouds the Cloud Gun shoots the clouds exactly where you want them in your picture. Available in large caliber Thunderhead or delicate Summer Whiff the Ansel Adam Cloud Gun is the perfect accessory for precise cloud placement.
Don’t you hate cold hands when you are photographing? Well, you will suffer no more with the Nuclear Pod Warmer. Just drop the little radioactive tablet into the hollow leg of your tripod, wait for the warm red glow and, viola, your tripod leg is now a hand warmer! And there is nothing to turn on or off – your Nuclear Pod Warmer has a half-life of 500,000 years! Surely that should be enough time to find a shot or two.
For those of you with a camera mega-bag that weighs as much as a small car you might be interested in the Antigravity Bag made by PhotoDirigible. Lighter than air, this bag will follow behind you on a short tether as you wander hill and dale. No more sore shoulders or achy back. No more kneeling down to retrieve your gear. Get the Antigravity Bag and leave your problems floating behind you.
Another handy accessory is the Far Horizon Binocular. Ever wonder what is over the next ridge or what will happen next week? Try the new Far Horizon Binocular. Designed with an interior Black Hole that will actually bend light the Far Horizon Binocular helps you pick your photo-locations and see what to expect in the coming week. Not appropriate for betting on sporting events or to take a peek at future Stock prices.
New advances in aerosol science have led to two new photo-sprays. The first is used on those pesky breezy days when you are trying to photograph wildflowers and they just won’t stop moving. Designed to temporarily paralyze air molecules, Breeze-B-Gone creates a pocket of still air around your subject. The second spray, Eau de Bad Picture, attaches to your camera body and releases a spray of noxious fumes when the camera senses your composition stinks.
Similar to the new aerosols is a new water-based photo spray paint that guarantees proper exposures. Always medium in tonality, just spray Bracket-No-More on your subject and snap away. Comes is photocard gray, barn red, grass green, good as gold and north sky blue.
Two more composition aids are coming to a camera store near you. The first, The Screamer, is a visual and audio signal that is triggered whenever your camera senses a good composition. Just swing your camera around and when you see the little green Screamer indicator inside your viewfinder you are pointing at a pretty picture. To tell how pretty your picture is activate the audio signal. If you hear polite applause you have a nice shot, cheers a pretty shot and wild, joyous screams a cover shot.
The second compositional aid prevents bad compositions by locking your shutter whenever you try to take a not so pretty picture. Known by its anagram, Y.U.C.K. Your Ugly Composition Killer not only prevents ugly pictures but also stops bad critiques at your next camera club get together.
If you have a tendency to ignore the critical little voice in your head try a more obvious preventive, theUgly Stick. Spring loaded and attached to your tripod, the Ugly Stick springs out and gives you a good whack you if you try to ignore the Y.U.C.K. device. The Ugly Stick is also good for cracking coconuts and getting complex ideas into your noggin.
Two new filters are hitting the shelves soon. The first is the Flaw Filter, named after my friend Frank, that corrects flawed subjects. Light coming from a marred subject is digitized and analyzed for data interruptions, corrected and then reconstituted before it hits the film or sensor. Parents will like this filter for family pictures to remove both troubling body art from their children and criminal boyfriends from daughter’s side.
The second filter uses old Mood Ring technology to increase your satisfaction with the scene you are photographing. By rotating the outer ring, the Wish Filter, can improve the quality of the light and/or the saturation of the colors depending on your desires. The photographer must be touching the Wish Filter and thinking warm thoughts for it to work. It does not work on humans to enlarge or decrease various body parts. Sorry.
The handiest new invention is the Edible Photo Vest. Wear it close to your skin for warm meals or outside your clothes for cool, refreshing snacks. The EPV comes in several flavors including glazed donut, vest tartar (good for wildlife photographers), cheeseburger and tuna. A lite version, rice cake, is in development.
For those of you trying to get published and becoming frustrated get the Tabletop Publishing House. Built like a doll house with little action publisher figures, it lets you jerk around the editors rather than they jerk around you. Comes with an immolation kit for when you have truly had it.
And finally, there is a new support group for people who can’t stop talking about their wonderful photography. Be the first to sign up your camera club bore for On and On and On.